learning to flop

I'm a week or so into this season of pondering solitude. This quote from Celebration of Discipline still resonates with me:

If we are silent, who will take control? God will take control, but we will never let him take control until we trust him. Silence is intimately related to trust.

I am practicing trust. To trust that God loves me and will care for me in this season. To trust that he sees everything that is happening in my life. To trust that he has the solutions to the problems I'm facing, and I don't need to figure it all out. To trust that "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

Now, to a certain extent, I've always trusted God. I have always known that "God will take care of me." I have always had hope that "things will get better." But this seems to be at an even deeper level. I am the most vulnerable I have ever been in my adult life right now, so trust means something new. Despite all that "trust" and "hope" and knowledge that "God is good no matter what," I have never truly, deeply been able to relax into that. I have always had to remain alert, ready to spring into action if disaster strikes - and surely it will.

Its like those people who do the trust fall exercises. There are some who can just flop themselves down, completely trusting that others will catch them. But others hold themselves stiff and alert. They do it, because otherwise the camp counselor will yell at them. But they don't reeeeaaaallllly believe that the others will catch them. Or, they have a tiny thought that "they might catch me at first, but they will drop me eventually." If all goes well, the first sort of people think, "of course!" The second thinks, "it was just that one time. Next time I will land on my ass."

I'm that second sort. And I feel like this round of practicing solitude is to show me that this season of my life is in part about learning to truly relax into trust. Relax into hope. Relax into the notion that all is well. That I am loved. That I am safe. That I am cared for. That my needs will be met. My hurts will be healed. My fears will be calmed. To really believe all the verses that I've clung to all these years.

A season of trust falls.

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